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Should I Say Something?

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Should I Say Something?

The Science of What to Share ― and What to Keep to Yourself

Balance,

15 minutes de lecture
8 points à retenir
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Aperçu

Discern when to speak up and when to sidestep uncomfortable conversations.

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Editorial Rating

8

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Recommendation

Should you tell the boss the strategy has a hole in it? Should you tell your friend you don’t trust her fiancé? Speaking up is rarely simple, and there’s no universal playbook, because norms around candor shift from one culture, team, and relationship to the next. Never fear: Social psychologist Vanessa Bohns has written a guide to help you navigate your way through the fog. Drawing on empirical research and clear moral reasoning, she offers advice on when it’s appropriate to speak up and when you should bite your tongue. Her enlightening book teaches you how to read the room and how to voice hard truths with confidence and grace.

Summary

Let “benevolent honesty” guide your decision to speak up.

Pop quiz: You’ve discovered your best friend’s partner is having an affair. Do you reveal the truth, shattering your friend’s life, or withhold the secret, leaving your friend in blissful ignorance? Candor can result in hurt feelings, offense, and rejection, leading silence to seem like the safer option. Holding back, however, can lead to regret, conflict, loneliness, and embarrassment. And as the old saying goes, “You have to be cruel to be kind,” right? Not necessarily. According to psychologists Emma Levine, Annabelle Roberts, and Taya Cohen, knowing when and how to speak up often starts with rejecting the false dichotomy between kindness and honesty. In reality, kindness and honesty aren’t mutually exclusive: The best decisions rate highly in both.

Imagine an Ivy League professor grading a freshman class’s first assignment. The overall quality is weak because the students aren’t yet accustomed to writing college-level essays. The professor can take four approaches to feedback:

  1. “Silent avoidance” — The professor marks the paper with a grade and no further comments, letting the ...

About the Author

Social psychologist Vanessa Bohns is the Braunstein Family Professor and Chair of Organizational Behavior at Cornell University’s ILR School. She’s the author of You Have More Influence Than You Think and has written op-eds for outlets such as The New York Times, The Harvard Business Review, and The Wall Street Journal.

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