Stop Trying to Raise Successful Kids

Most parents say they value kindness in their kids, but kids say their parents want them to achieve above all else.

One study of US college students found that both empathy and the ability to imagine another person’s perspective declined significantly between 1979 and 2009.

“Students grew less likely to feel concern for people less fortunate than themselves – and less bothered by seeing others treated unfairly.”

Psychologists have observed that while children born after 1995 might believe that those facing difficulty deserve help, they feel less obliged to be the one to help. They also donate to charity less frequently than past generations.

Parental expectations create the values children embrace.

Many parents emphasize achievement because they think it reflects well on them. Some parents see kindness and sharing as potential future vulnerabilities in a competitive world. They won’t intervene, for example, when their child refuses to share. They say they care more about their child learning to say no. But parents can teach children to care about other people as well as to stand up for themselves.

“Kids “will soon learn the norm of reciprocity: If you don’t treat others considerately, they may not be considerate toward you.”

Today, parents encourage their daughters to be more assertive and ambitious – traditionally male traits – to help them lay claim to a more equitable future, but they don’t expect their boys to be kind or generous – traditionally female characteristics. As a result, parents raise both boys and girls with less emphasis on caring. Kids perform to the expectations for which they receive praise. Sadly, they usually see parents reward achievement over generosity towards others.

Convey that you value kindness and caring by asking not only about your children’s accomplishments but also about how they help others.

Asking your children about their accomplishments as well as how they helped others will motivate them to look for ways to be helpful in their daily lives. Share moments when you were helpful – or moments when you wished you’d done more.

“The point is not to badger kids into kindness or dangle carrots for caring but to show that these qualities are noticed and valued.”

Kids are kind and helpful by nature from a young age. But too often they come to see sharing as a chore. Kids are more inclined to be generous when it’s their choice rather than an obligation. When they get praise for helping, they tend to become more helpful. Kids often focus on status when it comes to popularity, but likability – a measure of a person’s friendliness and kindness – also makes kids more popular. Ask your children how their friends treat others, so they will think about it.

Evidence suggests that kids who are helpful to others achieve more than less caring kids.

Students in middle school who are more helpful and cooperative also have higher grade and test scores than their less kind peers. Kindness helps children build supportive friendships and wards off depression.

“In adulthood, generous people earn higher incomes, better performance reviews and more promotions than their less generous peers.”

Your children will find meaning in caring about others, and this deepens relationships, increases creativity and adds to productivity. Psychologists have observed a “helper’s high” that triggers happiness. Giving activates the brain’s reward centers. Kindness and high achievement aren’t mutually exclusive. In fact, they’re complementary.