An Adult’s Guide to Social Skills, for Those Who Were Never Taught

Social skills aren’t innate. While most people learn them as children, adults can master the skills.

Social skills such as conflict management, friend acquisition and group navigation are abilities that most people absorb during childhood. However, many children are deprived of this aspect of social development. Those who, in their formative years, suffered from anxiety, grew up in relative isolation or lacked strong role models may not have developed good interpersonal skills. Happily, you can strengthen your social skills, even as an adult.

The first step to improving your social skills is to exercise your emotional intelligence.

Many adults dread social interactions. But if you can strengthen your emotional intelligence (EI) muscles – that is, your ability to recognize emotional states in yourself and in others – those insights will inform your behavior and alleviate the agony of fraternizing with others. Psychologist Daniel Goleman breaks down EI into five categories:

1. Self-awareness – The ability to recognize your emotional state at a given moment.
2. Self-regulation – The ability to stop yourself from lashing out when emotions overwhelm you.
3. Internal motivation – A self-generated drive to see projects through, regardless of external motivations such as wealth, status or pain.
4. Empathy – The ability to recognize the present and potential emotional states of others.
5. Socialization – The ability to communicate with others and negotiate social interactions.

Engage in constructive confrontations to overcome your fear of conflict.

Though you may fear conflict, if something is bothering you, getting it off your chest can feel cathartic. To avoid hurting others’ feelings, try to raise the matter constructively. If you’re peeved that, say, your spouse forgot your birthday, broaching the subject is healthier than letting it fester. Use the first person pronoun to describe your feelings calmly in a way that conveys your emotions without sounding accusatory. During this process, be acutely aware of your emotions.

Don’t fade into the background. You have a voice, so use it.

Group settings can be intimidating. People frequently interrupt one another to get their points across. Don’t become a wallflower; voice your opinions. Avoid being interrupted by taking breaths in the middle of your sentences instead of at the end, and keep speaking until you’ve finished your point, even if someone attempts to cut you off.

“Don’t spend all your time trying to fit in that one thing you badly wanted to say.”

Perceive your reaction to interruptions. When someone else chimes in while you’re speaking, it may deplete your motivation to contribute to the conversation. If you exhibit annoyance, others may be less likely to want to hear what you have to say. Instead, try to go with the flow. Focus on the next opportunity to add to the conversation, keep your stories short and self-regulate your frustrations with others.

Practice reaching out to strangers to make friends throughout life.

Making friends as a kid is simple. You have various contexts and outlets in which to meet people. Alas, forming and maintaining friendships as an adult is difficult. Work and other responsibilities can get in the way. However, often a lack of motivation, rather than a lack of time, is responsible for letting friendships slide.

“Most of us are willing to have a conversation; we just don’t always want to be the one to make the first move.”

To find new friends, engage in activities you enjoy outside the home. Join clubs, interest groups or classes. If you make a connection with someone new and the inevitable “we should hang out sometime” comment arises, follow up. The other person will appreciate your making the first move.

The art of conversation doesn’t come easy to everyone.

If you are uncomfortable making small talk with strangers, break the ice by asking others about themselves. Research shows that most people are willing to engage in conversation with strangers but don’t want to initiate the conversation. Try to recognize when others might not be in the mood for a chat – for instance, if they are wearing headphones, walking briskly or working intensely. But if someone seems available for a quick conversation, venture a compliment or just say hi.

“You never know less about someone than when you first meet them. That’s…something you can use to your advantage. People like to talk about themselves.”

Regardless of the situation, the basic building blocks of social interactions remain constant. If you can increase your emotional intelligence, social situations will become easier.