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How to respond to offensive comments in a thoughtful way

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How to respond to offensive comments in a thoughtful way

Psyche,

5 min read
5 take-aways
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What's inside?

Forgo your fight-flight-or-freeze response in favor of “forging.”

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Recommendation

If someone’s offensive words strike a nerve with you, you’ll instinctively fight, flee, or freeze — all three of which you’ll later regret. If the attack takes you by surprise, you’ll unlikely be primed to respond in a constructive way in the heat of the moment. Counselling psychologist Alicia del Prado suggests forearming yourself against such onslaughts by learning how to “forge” — that is, boldly addressing the insulting comments head-on. When you forge, you won’t rue what you said, nor will you lament what you wish you’d said. Instead, your clear conscience will earn you a good night’s sleep.

Summary

When someone insults you, forgo your fight-flight-or-freeze response in favor of “forging.”

If you are the target of insulting comments — either online or in person — your instinct likely will be to fight, flee, or freeze. However, each of these knee-jerk reactions has drawbacks: Fighting can exacerbate the conflict, prompting you to say something you later regret; fleeing leaves the conflict unresolved, making you feel like a coward; and freezing renders you powerless to act. Instead, engage in a fourth approach: forge.

Forging requires more than a pinch of moxie, but people who opt to stand their ground and directly address offensive comments report feeling relieved and proud to have exhibited backbone. They rarely regret standing up to cruelty and injustice.

Choose your battles wisely.

Before responding to an insulting comment, assess the importance of the issue to you, as well as the risks of addressing the comment. Consider whether you will regret remaining silent and whether you have the bandwidth to handle a negative outcome. If you’re unsure, ask a trusted confidant how to proceed...

About the Author

Counseling psychologist Alicia del Prado is the founder of del Prado Counseling & Consulting and a co-author of It’s Time to Talk (And Listen).

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